here’s a competition to keep you on your toes.
all you need to do is write a notice for the board.
funny or meaningful or both… up to you!
more cartoons next week.
- when you’re new (or just visiting)
- when you’re not doing great, and need someone to talk to
- when you feel life is good, and need to celebrate
- when you have the world on your shoulders, and need friends along side
- when you’re lonely, and just need friends
(or at least, we try to)
“Everything that’s different about you compared to them and swiftly tries to ‘heal’ you of it.”
Church Notices ….nothing … ??!
“If you are looking for the vicar, deacons, or church secretary they’ve been taken up in the Rapture”
“As soon as the volume on the speakers has been turned up too loud and then we will of course immediately turn it back down to a respectable level so that we don’t offend any of the old ladies.”
“Now featuring bazoomba-shaped doors. We’re totally relevant! See?”
It’s just as cold and imposing on the inside as it looks on the outside.
Caution: Portal to a new world ahead
lack of interest
“This church has reduced its carbon footprint by 50% by holding services in the dark at twilight.”
“Do not disturb. Inbreed activity!”
“Don’t let worry kill you, let the church help.”
“Bible Study on Thursday morning at 10. All are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is finished.”
“Bean supper on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.”
“Sermon topic for the evening service tonight :”What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.”
Tithing: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”
I nicked a few of these but thought I’d share.
So, we tried to be as one and shared everything we owned and even sold our property to give money to those in need in this congregation. We all gave “honest” accounts of what we sacrificed for the church. Then Peter came by and we all got to know what it really means to be “slain in The spirit…”
Best wishes: St. Peter
I don’t actually have anything constructive to add, but check out this church sign battle: http://img.ircimages.com/ircimages/5/9/59192cabe89cbe25f91c8cf8bfb77b82.jpg
Stay tuned for Easter Sunday, when we will re-post the old “The Sun and Son have risen!” for the fortieth damn time.
“Seeking higher ground? Find it here!”
at Church with flooded river halfway up windows.
This spelling mistake deliberate for that double-take effect?
“Do angles exist?
Can the finding right angle get you in to heaven?”
Do you know Jesus? If so, please direct him here.
“Have you been ‘Board Again?’”
This week we will be having vast numbers of ineffectual meetings which will make us feel good about ourselves and insulate us from the outside world. Feel free to join us provided you are an exact demographic match with us. Tea and Coffee afterwards.
Church Closed This Sunday for Quiche Baking Competition.
Or (inspired by Linus)
World Record Holders for most Digestive Biscuits consumed in 1 year.
The End Is Near! (Film at 11.)
Jesus appeared to use all.
Church closed while we clean the carpet.
The notices are now available for those without access to an internet connection at http://www.churchnotices.co.uk/offline.html
If it could fit on this sign, do you think we’d have a building?
The only place that is most effective when it isn’t inhabited.
ineffectual meetings which will make us feel good about ourselves – i love the accuracy
untrained pastorally minded busybodies on the rampage, warns wounded ex-member
shamed local politician stands down, hadn’t realised the Church Notices
next week ‘Miss Evangelical’ competition
Some great ones already and I’m too tired to think any up.
But I just want to leap briefly onto one of my hobby horses and say that I hate seeing ancient out of date church notices outside a church building. I also get annoyed with King James version Bible texts on display ready to mystify Joe Public.
And, slightly but not totally off topic, in many of our churches here, the notices time in the service itself was traditionally called the intimations but I like to call it the intimidations to see if anyone “notices”.
My husband (our pastor) has started asking the kids at some point during the service if they have any news to share. Me and all other mums just cringe, wondering what our cherubs are going to reveal into the microphone.
“Last one out turn off the light”
“CHURCH CLOSED DUE TO LACK OF POWER”
[ I actually saw this on a Presbyterian Church after a region wide power outage in 1998. My pastor (at that time) said to me, "Well, they did the right thing." Typical Pentecostal attitude, huh? ]
“Closed until further notice – Apostolic Alignment out of order”
By breaking all stereotypes known to ASBO, we’re actually quite nice in here. Look, a smiley to prove it
“Please welcome our new female pastor and her husband, who will be leading our women’s ministry”
Come as you are.
(that is, as long as you are not homosexual, a democrat, modern, postmodern, freethinking, follow the crowd, a drunk, a prostitute, a musician, someone who has a sense of humor, someone who has no sense of humor, too fat, too skinny, too good looking, hard to look at, too honest, a liar, or good at chess.)
and we wonder why churches aren’t growing…
Now Hiring Untainted Clergy
But then gets distracted by the good looking girl walking past.
Notice : If you notice this notice, you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
Some I like are :-
Q: What’s missing from CH__CH
Give all your troubles to God.
He’ll be up all night anyway!
Prevent tooth decay. Brush up on your bible!
The Ultimate F Word. Forgiveness!
Am I bovered! I tell you do not worry. Matthew 6:24 (for UK readers)
Forget Big Brother, speak to our
Souler powered by the son!
God see’s us as we can be but loves us as we are.
Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case!
Resistance is futile.
We’ll win in the end!
Then you’ll be sorry!
We’re right, damn you!
We’ve got great knockers.
Welcome to church !
Now do as you’re told.
the mourning, the meek and the poor
but has to cater to the biggest tithers instead.
WHAT IT WANTS TO NOTICE
Building closed. Go out and love someone.
Building Closed. Go do a better job than it did.
Closed. Gone fishing.
Hiring: Charismatic Preacher. This role to be based in a busy soulsaving department reporting directly to company Director. As this role is centered in a not-too-busy working environment the ideal candidate does not need to be flexible or work well under pressure. Legalistic pharisees may send their resume. Duties to include payroll for 1 staff, preaching for empty pews, cleaning the church grounds and visiting currently fysically disabled, lonely churchmembers . Email cv and cover note to firstname.lastname@example.org
48 Andy – funny!
52-54 all good.
This space is intentionally left blank
“Stop reading this notice – GET A LIFE!!
(have a look in here – you may well find it inside)”
- trying to be more positive!
Here are some good old ones:
‘Leave everything God’s given you to care about, and come and spend all your free time in meetings, ministry and services.’
Surely Linus (21) wins hands down.
It’s open, come on in
Temporarily Closed…Lost the keys
‘for all of you who’ve been judged, condemned and hurt by the church: we’re sorry’
Welcome to the club.
If you were here, you’d be saved by now!*
* terms and conditions apply
“If you’re looking for God, he doesn’t live here.”
“Sorry, we’re all at greenbelt. We’ll send the notices to your blackberry.”
but sorbets (some hope with this weather)
Been rejected by one of Christ’s followers? Enter here to speak with management.
jesus is coming, look busy
Join our Church-Lite service featuring only six commandments and a 4 percent tithe!
“Sanctuary for the broken, the wounded, the poor, the weak, the confused, the hurting, the fallen and all those who mess up. If your perfect (unless your Jesus) get lost…and because we are all the above we get it wrong sometimes, sorry…”
Thats a bit long winded, but think its what a Church should say (through a sign or through the way things are done)
sorry those two ‘your’ should read ‘you’re’
“Sanctuary for the broken”, love it DrNick,
also love the thought that drab church buildings and stuffy books still have the power to connect us to the Kingdom of God! no one can keep us from celebrating
Yes Dr Nick @75, that’s just lovely.
Jesus has left the building
Thanks Annedroid and Subo.
A little off topic but I thought everyone might be interested in this:
Building project for Housechurch #21.
For the last time, please DO NOT come in your Sunday best; this is not one of your business meetings!
Welcome, come in please.
“Welcome to the round headed type people church. The triangle feet people are not welcome here. Aesthetically pleasing and well designed people go to the church down the road. Well animated flies are welcome.”
Calvin – loving the donatist church!
Paul wilkinson – church lite was really done in the program “priest idol”. Barsley hasn’t been the same since…. Some of them go to church now
most are decent, but … #48 is the only one that made me chuckle out loud… dang sexual inuendos!
Vicar away on holidays. Due to internal power struggles we are closed until he returns and can tell us what to do.
i stole this one,
‘Staying in bed, Shouting ‘OH GOD!’ doesn’t constitute going to church’
‘There are some questions that can’t be answered by google’
‘Salvation guaranteed – or your sins cheerfully refunded!’
‘Don’t make me come down there! – love, God’
‘We give more Halo effect than Halo 3′
Following last week’s talk by guest speaker Pete Rollins, the vicar has refused to take on a leadership role. There will be no service this Sunday.
Good copy writer required inside…
No Women, Children or dog’s allowed.
Some great comments :).
Big smiley faces to Useibert (60); Zefi (82); Robb @ 84 for the ASBO-specific notice; Imogen (87) for the one she nicked (I can relate to that one!); Caroline Too (89) and Dennis (91).
For sheer topical brilliance, though, my vote goes to Carole @ 88, with apologies to anyone who a) doesn’t know who Pete Rollins is, b) doesn’t know what Pete Rollins does or c) wasn’t at Greenbelt this weekend, which would have explained a) AND b). Nice one, Carole!
There’s a church I know that always has interesting notices
This week it was
“If you are looking for a sign from God, THIS may be it!”
people passing by this notice board
Why don’t you switch off your computer and do something worthwhile!
Notice left over from Last Week: “Come early next Sunday as St Judith will be unveiling a new pair of knockers”
Stop, drop and roll doesn’t work in Hell.
Stop drop and roll probably doesn’t work in the UK either…
“enter here for a wasbo!!”
A church down the road from me had this one once:
Now read it again’
Carpark is for members only.
Trespassers will be baptised.
Trespassers will be disposed of reverently.
I admit the previous notice is not universally understandable – it’s taken from the Methodist communion service. Here is a less partisan one: Trespassers will be recycled.
Ah, now does anyone else fantasise about sticking inappropriate messages up on real empty notice boards, or is it just me?
CTCH – we’re missing: RU?
Windows couldn’t verify the digital signature of this church. A recent hardware or software change may have installed a file that threatens the system.
A more positive one (?):
Wideangle shot of icecream stand next door – huge crowds of happy people with cones – notice beside stand says ‘ICES NOT CHURCH’. Tagline is ‘CHURCH NOTICES’ with letters struck out to read —-CH -O-ICES…’
Me, I like church really!
Our appologies, there will be no service this week as the leaders and congregation have gone to greenbelt. Be back next week.
(guess how long that one took me!!! :p)
Robb (98): Great to have your humour back on the blog
Wossa “wasbo”? (100)
That is what happens when an ASBO is mixed with an organic beer tent for a period of four hours
…with no portaloo in sight to offer required relief…
#93 is brilliant!
#102 also made me spit coffee.
One that made local headlines a while ago now was a church notice that said:
was defaced, so it read:
‘Come inside and see how we regularly use the words, bloody, hell, too.’
‘If you think the outside looks scary, wait until you come inside and see the pastor’s wife.’
Sunday Service 10:30
Divorce Care 4:30
Bingo – All Day (come one come all)
Caption: If you can’t evangelize ‘em, get their money!
JESUS IS COMING! LOOK BUSY!!
“Attendance is required, by invitation only.”
But come inside and find out from Pastor Perfect what Jesus really meant.’
‘Cross? I’m bloody furious coz church posters only make sense to Christians.’
The following is from a church notice sheet, rather than a notice board, but it’s worth quoting anyway:
“HYMN Stand up, stand up for Jesus
Bring a signed blank cheque to church day!!
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