The Ongoing Adventures of ASBO Jesus

August 20, 2008

A COMPETITION (AGAIN)

Filed under: Uncategorized — jonbirch @ 1:08 pm

here’s a competition to keep you on your toes.

all you need to do is write a notice for the board.

funny or meaningful or both… up to you!

more cartoons next week. :-)

121 Comments »

  1. church notices:
    - when you’re new (or just visiting)
    - when you’re not doing great, and need someone to talk to
    - when you feel life is good, and need to celebrate
    - when you have the world on your shoulders, and need friends along side
    - when you’re lonely, and just need friends

    (or at least, we try to)

    Comment by andym — August 20, 2008 @ 1:33 pm

  2. Church Notices:
    “Everything that’s different about you compared to them and swiftly tries to ‘heal’ you of it.”

    Comment by sammydaviesjr — August 20, 2008 @ 1:40 pm

  3. Church Notices ….nothing … ??!

    “If you are looking for the vicar, deacons, or church secretary they’ve been taken up in the Rapture” :)

    Comment by janetp — August 20, 2008 @ 2:45 pm

  4. Church Notices:

    “As soon as the volume on the speakers has been turned up too loud and then we will of course immediately turn it back down to a respectable level so that we don’t offend any of the old ladies.”

    Comment by Razzler — August 20, 2008 @ 3:08 pm

  5. “Now featuring bazoomba-shaped doors. We’re totally relevant! See?”

    Comment by Lewis — August 20, 2008 @ 3:11 pm

  6. ‘Lost Yahweh?’

    Comment by Christian — August 20, 2008 @ 3:19 pm

  7. Yes…
    It’s just as cold and imposing on the inside as it looks on the outside.

    Comment by Rick — August 20, 2008 @ 3:27 pm

  8. No trespassing.

    Comment by wezlo — August 20, 2008 @ 3:32 pm

  9. Caution: Portal to a new world ahead

    Comment by Melissa — August 20, 2008 @ 3:35 pm

  10. Closed
    due to
    lack of interest

    Comment by David — August 20, 2008 @ 3:44 pm

  11. “This church has reduced its carbon footprint by 50% by holding services in the dark at twilight.”

    Comment by Thomas — August 20, 2008 @ 3:48 pm

  12. “Do not disturb. Inbreed activity!”

    Comment by Job — August 20, 2008 @ 3:54 pm

  13. “Don’t let worry kill you, let the church help.”

    “Bible Study on Thursday morning at 10. All are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is finished.”

    “Bean supper on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.”

    “Sermon topic for the evening service tonight :”What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.”

    Tithing: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”

    I nicked a few of these but thought I’d share.

    Comment by Laura — August 20, 2008 @ 4:00 pm

  14. Warning!
    So, we tried to be as one and shared everything we owned and even sold our property to give money to those in need in this congregation. We all gave “honest” accounts of what we sacrificed for the church. Then Peter came by and we all got to know what it really means to be “slain in The spirit…”
    Best wishes: St. Peter

    Comment by Pete Rehn — August 20, 2008 @ 4:05 pm

  15. I don’t actually have anything constructive to add, but check out this church sign battle: http://img.ircimages.com/ircimages/5/9/59192cabe89cbe25f91c8cf8bfb77b82.jpg

    Comment by Justin Anthony Knapp — August 20, 2008 @ 4:13 pm

  16. Stay tuned for Easter Sunday, when we will re-post the old “The Sun and Son have risen!” for the fortieth damn time.

    Comment by Christine — August 20, 2008 @ 4:50 pm

  17. “Seeking higher ground? Find it here!”
    at Church with flooded river halfway up windows.

    Comment by Forrest — August 20, 2008 @ 5:10 pm

  18. This spelling mistake deliberate for that double-take effect?
    “Do angles exist?
    Can the finding right angle get you in to heaven?”

    Comment by Forrest — August 20, 2008 @ 5:15 pm

  19. Church notices,
    Judges,
    Ostracizes.

    OR:

    Church notices:
    Do you know Jesus? If so, please direct him here.

    Comment by Anna — August 20, 2008 @ 5:44 pm

  20. “Have you been ‘Board Again?’”

    Comment by subo — August 20, 2008 @ 6:01 pm

  21. This week we will be having vast numbers of ineffectual meetings which will make us feel good about ourselves and insulate us from the outside world. Feel free to join us provided you are an exact demographic match with us. Tea and Coffee afterwards.

    /cynical

    Comment by Linus — August 20, 2008 @ 6:05 pm

  22. Church Closed This Sunday for Quiche Baking Competition.

    Comment by brunettekoala — August 20, 2008 @ 6:08 pm

  23. Or (inspired by Linus)

    World Record Holders for most Digestive Biscuits consumed in 1 year.

    Comment by brunettekoala — August 20, 2008 @ 6:12 pm

  24. The End Is Near! (Film at 11.)

    Comment by Mr. Nighttime — August 20, 2008 @ 6:18 pm

  25. Jesus appeared to use all.
    Church closed while we clean the carpet.

    Comment by becky — August 20, 2008 @ 6:44 pm

  26. The notices are now available for those without access to an internet connection at http://www.churchnotices.co.uk/offline.html

    Comment by David Derbyshire — August 20, 2008 @ 7:42 pm

  27. If it could fit on this sign, do you think we’d have a building?

    Comment by Dave — August 20, 2008 @ 9:20 pm

  28. In

    Comment by Dave — August 20, 2008 @ 9:21 pm

  29. The only place that is most effective when it isn’t inhabited.

    Comment by Dave — August 20, 2008 @ 9:21 pm

  30. ineffectual meetings which will make us feel good about ourselves – i love the accuracy

    Comment by subo — August 20, 2008 @ 9:47 pm

  31. untrained pastorally minded busybodies on the rampage, warns wounded ex-member

    Comment by subo — August 20, 2008 @ 9:49 pm

  32. B.O.G. O.F.

    Heaven Tickets

    Comment by Dan W — August 20, 2008 @ 9:50 pm

  33. shamed local politician stands down, hadn’t realised the Church Notices

    next week ‘Miss Evangelical’ competition

    Comment by subo — August 20, 2008 @ 9:55 pm

  34. Some great ones already and I’m too tired to think any up.

    But I just want to leap briefly onto one of my hobby horses and say that I hate seeing ancient out of date church notices outside a church building. I also get annoyed with King James version Bible texts on display ready to mystify Joe Public.

    And, slightly but not totally off topic, in many of our churches here, the notices time in the service itself was traditionally called the intimations but I like to call it the intimidations to see if anyone “notices”.

    My husband (our pastor) has started asking the kids at some point during the service if they have any news to share. Me and all other mums just cringe, wondering what our cherubs are going to reveal into the microphone.

    Comment by AnneDroid — August 20, 2008 @ 10:07 pm

  35. “Last one out turn off the light”

    Comment by tim bower — August 20, 2008 @ 10:32 pm

  36. “CHURCH CLOSED DUE TO LACK OF POWER”

    [ I actually saw this on a Presbyterian Church after a region wide power outage in 1998. My pastor (at that time) said to me, "Well, they did the right thing." Typical Pentecostal attitude, huh? ]

    Comment by DAK — August 20, 2008 @ 11:07 pm

  37. “Closed until further notice – Apostolic Alignment out of order”

    Comment by Katherine Gunn — August 20, 2008 @ 11:50 pm

  38. Church Notices:
    By breaking all stereotypes known to ASBO, we’re actually quite nice in here. Look, a smiley to prove it :)

    Comment by youthworkerpete — August 20, 2008 @ 11:59 pm

  39. Church Notices

    CLOSED PERMANENTLY.

    Comment by shelly — August 21, 2008 @ 12:38 am

  40. “Please welcome our new female pastor and her husband, who will be leading our women’s ministry”

    Comment by Josh — August 21, 2008 @ 1:52 am

  41. Come as you are.

    (that is, as long as you are not homosexual, a democrat, modern, postmodern, freethinking, follow the crowd, a drunk, a prostitute, a musician, someone who has a sense of humor, someone who has no sense of humor, too fat, too skinny, too good looking, hard to look at, too honest, a liar, or good at chess.)

    and we wonder why churches aren’t growing…

    Comment by Joe — August 21, 2008 @ 3:13 am

  42. Now Hiring Untainted Clergy
    Apply Within

    Comment by Calvin — August 21, 2008 @ 3:18 am

  43. Church Notices:

    But then gets distracted by the good looking girl walking past.

    Comment by Geoff Matheson — August 21, 2008 @ 5:59 am

  44. Notice : If you notice this notice, you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.

    Comment by abmo — August 21, 2008 @ 6:20 am

  45. Some I like are :-

    Q: What’s missing from CH__CH
    A: UR

    Give all your troubles to God.
    He’ll be up all night anyway!

    Prevent tooth decay. Brush up on your bible!

    The Ultimate F Word. Forgiveness!

    Am I bovered! I tell you do not worry. Matthew 6:24 (for UK readers)

    Forget Big Brother, speak to our
    Father!

    Souler powered by the son!

    God see’s us as we can be but loves us as we are.

    Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case!

    Comment by Miriworm — August 21, 2008 @ 8:36 am

  46. Resistance is futile.

    Comment by Robb — August 21, 2008 @ 9:14 am

  47. We’ll win in the end!
    You’ll see.
    Then you’ll be sorry!
    We’re right, damn you!
    We’re riiighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhtttt!!!!!

    Comment by andy amoss — August 21, 2008 @ 12:07 pm

  48. We’ve got great knockers.

    Comment by andy amoss — August 21, 2008 @ 12:09 pm

  49. Welcome to church !
    Now do as you’re told.

    Comment by bluesoul — August 21, 2008 @ 1:54 pm

  50. Church notices…

    the mourning, the meek and the poor

    but has to cater to the biggest tithers instead.

    Our Apologies
    The Management

    Comment by Tyler Dawn — August 21, 2008 @ 2:12 pm

  51. CHURCH NOTICES
    WHAT IT WANTS TO NOTICE

    Comment by Doug — August 21, 2008 @ 2:40 pm

  52. Building closed. Go out and love someone.

    or

    Building Closed. Go do a better job than it did.

    Comment by csalzman — August 21, 2008 @ 2:59 pm

  53. Closed. Gone fishing.

    Comment by James — August 21, 2008 @ 3:16 pm

  54. For sale.

    Comment by zefi — August 21, 2008 @ 4:05 pm

  55. Hiring: Charismatic Preacher. This role to be based in a busy soulsaving department reporting directly to company Director. As this role is centered in a not-too-busy working environment the ideal candidate does not need to be flexible or work well under pressure. Legalistic pharisees may send their resume. Duties to include payroll for 1 staff, preaching for empty pews, cleaning the church grounds and visiting currently fysically disabled, lonely churchmembers . Email cv and cover note to hope@lesschurch.com

    Comment by Ben — August 21, 2008 @ 7:41 pm

  56. 48 Andy – funny!

    Sarah

    52-54 all good.

    Comment by sarah — August 21, 2008 @ 8:12 pm

  57. Gone fishing.

    Comment by Mark Bennet — August 21, 2008 @ 8:52 pm

  58. This space is intentionally left blank

    Comment by Chris F — August 21, 2008 @ 9:32 pm

  59. “Stop reading this notice – GET A LIFE!!

    (have a look in here – you may well find it inside)”

    - trying to be more positive!

    Comment by Chris F — August 21, 2008 @ 9:41 pm

  60. Here are some good old ones:

    http://www.jnweb.com/funny/church-notices.html

    Comment by useibert — August 22, 2008 @ 6:53 am

  61. ‘Leave everything God’s given you to care about, and come and spend all your free time in meetings, ministry and services.’

    Comment by subo — August 22, 2008 @ 7:11 am

  62. Surely Linus (21) wins hands down.

    Comment by JF — August 22, 2008 @ 10:26 am

  63. It’s open, come on in

    Comment by gilly — August 22, 2008 @ 10:52 am

  64. Temporarily Closed…Lost the keys

    Comment by KathyJ — August 22, 2008 @ 1:11 pm

  65. how about:
    ‘for all of you who’ve been judged, condemned and hurt by the church: we’re sorry’

    Comment by dan — August 22, 2008 @ 2:54 pm

  66. Welcome to the club.

    Comment by James — August 22, 2008 @ 2:55 pm

  67. If you were here, you’d be saved by now!*

    * terms and conditions apply

    Comment by ben — August 22, 2008 @ 4:36 pm

  68. “If you’re looking for God, he doesn’t live here.”

    Comment by Ros — August 22, 2008 @ 6:48 pm

  69. “Sorry, we’re all at greenbelt. We’ll send the notices to your blackberry.”

    Comment by Robb — August 22, 2008 @ 8:11 pm

  70. but sorbets (some hope with this weather)

    Comment by robert — August 22, 2008 @ 8:27 pm

  71. Been rejected by one of Christ’s followers? Enter here to speak with management.

    Comment by Jeff Moulton — August 22, 2008 @ 9:23 pm

  72. jesus is coming, look busy

    Comment by henry — August 22, 2008 @ 11:45 pm

  73. Members Only

    Comment by paulthinkingoutloud — August 23, 2008 @ 2:59 am

  74. Join our Church-Lite service featuring only six commandments and a 4 percent tithe!

    Comment by Paul Wilkinson — August 23, 2008 @ 3:05 am

  75. “Sanctuary for the broken, the wounded, the poor, the weak, the confused, the hurting, the fallen and all those who mess up. If your perfect (unless your Jesus) get lost…and because we are all the above we get it wrong sometimes, sorry…”

    Thats a bit long winded, but think its what a Church should say (through a sign or through the way things are done)

    Comment by DrNick — August 23, 2008 @ 9:22 am

  76. sorry those two ‘your’ should read ‘you’re’

    Comment by DrNick — August 23, 2008 @ 9:23 am

  77. “Sanctuary for the broken”, love it DrNick,

    also love the thought that drab church buildings and stuffy books still have the power to connect us to the Kingdom of God! no one can keep us from celebrating

    Comment by subo — August 23, 2008 @ 5:58 pm

  78. Yes Dr Nick @75, that’s just lovely.

    Comment by AnneDroid — August 23, 2008 @ 9:34 pm

  79. Jesus has left the building

    Comment by Pastor M — August 24, 2008 @ 1:03 am

  80. Thanks Annedroid and Subo.

    A little off topic but I thought everyone might be interested in this:

    http://www.churchsigngenerator.com/

    Comment by DrNick — August 24, 2008 @ 10:52 am

  81. Building project for Housechurch #21.

    Comment by zefi — August 24, 2008 @ 12:48 pm

  82. For the last time, please DO NOT come in your Sunday best; this is not one of your business meetings!

    Comment by zefi — August 24, 2008 @ 12:52 pm

  83. Welcome, come in please.

    Comment by Angela — August 25, 2008 @ 5:28 am

  84. “Welcome to the round headed type people church. The triangle feet people are not welcome here. Aesthetically pleasing and well designed people go to the church down the road. Well animated flies are welcome.”

    Calvin – loving the donatist church!

    Paul wilkinson – church lite was really done in the program “priest idol”. Barsley hasn’t been the same since…. Some of them go to church now :lol:

    Comment by robb — August 25, 2008 @ 10:02 am

  85. most are decent, but … #48 is the only one that made me chuckle out loud… dang sexual inuendos!

    Comment by jaybrams — August 25, 2008 @ 2:34 pm

  86. Vicar away on holidays. Due to internal power struggles we are closed until he returns and can tell us what to do.

    Comment by Seb — August 25, 2008 @ 8:28 pm

  87. i stole this one,
    ‘Staying in bed, Shouting ‘OH GOD!’ doesn’t constitute going to church’

    or,

    ‘There are some questions that can’t be answered by google’

    ‘Salvation guaranteed – or your sins cheerfully refunded!’

    ‘Don’t make me come down there! – love, God’

    ‘We give more Halo effect than Halo 3′

    Comment by imogen — August 26, 2008 @ 11:31 am

  88. Following last week’s talk by guest speaker Pete Rollins, the vicar has refused to take on a leadership role. There will be no service this Sunday.

    Comment by Carole — August 26, 2008 @ 3:40 pm

  89. Good copy writer required inside…

    Comment by Caroline Too — August 26, 2008 @ 3:42 pm

  90. :lol: @ carole!

    Comment by robb — August 26, 2008 @ 5:37 pm

  91. No Women, Children or dog’s allowed.

    Comment by dennis — August 27, 2008 @ 7:20 am

  92. Some great comments :) .

    Big smiley faces to Useibert (60); Zefi (82); Robb @ 84 for the ASBO-specific notice; Imogen (87) for the one she nicked (I can relate to that one!); Caroline Too (89) and Dennis (91).

    For sheer topical brilliance, though, my vote goes to Carole @ 88, with apologies to anyone who a) doesn’t know who Pete Rollins is, b) doesn’t know what Pete Rollins does or c) wasn’t at Greenbelt this weekend, which would have explained a) AND b). Nice one, Carole! :lol:

    Comment by janetp — August 27, 2008 @ 12:36 pm

  93. There’s a church I know that always has interesting notices

    This week it was

    “If you are looking for a sign from God, THIS may be it!”

    Comment by Kim — August 27, 2008 @ 3:31 pm

  94. CHURCH NOTICES

    people passing by this notice board

    Comment by Mark Bennet — August 27, 2008 @ 4:47 pm

  95. Why don’t you switch off your computer and do something worthwhile! ;)

    Comment by Will — August 27, 2008 @ 4:58 pm

  96. Notice left over from Last Week: “Come early next Sunday as St Judith will be unveiling a new pair of knockers”

    Comment by Your Brother — August 27, 2008 @ 7:47 pm

  97. Stop, drop and roll doesn’t work in Hell.

    Comment by Christian — August 27, 2008 @ 10:34 pm

  98. Stop drop and roll probably doesn’t work in the UK either…

    Comment by Robb — August 27, 2008 @ 11:51 pm

  99. ;)

    Comment by Robb — August 27, 2008 @ 11:51 pm

  100. “enter here for a wasbo!!”

    ;)

    Comment by Robb — August 28, 2008 @ 12:18 am

  101. A church down the road from me had this one once:

    ‘Godisnowhere

    Now read it again’

    Comment by dan — August 28, 2008 @ 1:16 am

  102. Carpark is for members only.
    Trespassers will be baptised.

    Comment by Blair — August 28, 2008 @ 5:10 am

  103. Trespassers will be disposed of reverently.

    Comment by rebecca — August 28, 2008 @ 8:09 am

  104. I admit the previous notice is not universally understandable – it’s taken from the Methodist communion service. Here is a less partisan one: Trespassers will be recycled.

    Comment by rebecca — August 28, 2008 @ 8:10 am

  105. Ah, now does anyone else fantasise about sticking inappropriate messages up on real empty notice boards, or is it just me?

    Comment by Steve Lancaster — August 28, 2008 @ 8:10 am

  106. Graffitied on:
    CTCH – we’re missing: RU?

    or

    Comment by Steve Lancaster — August 28, 2008 @ 8:16 am

  107. Error_pride__greed
    577
    0×345
    Windows couldn’t verify the digital signature of this church. A recent hardware or software change may have installed a file that threatens the system.

    Comment by Jonathan — August 28, 2008 @ 8:26 am

  108. A more positive one (?):

    Wideangle shot of icecream stand next door – huge crowds of happy people with cones – notice beside stand says ‘ICES NOT CHURCH’. Tagline is ‘CHURCH NOTICES’ with letters struck out to read —-CH -O-ICES…’

    Comment by Steve Lancaster — August 28, 2008 @ 8:31 am

  109. Me, I like church really! ;)
    Steve

    Comment by Steve Lancaster — August 28, 2008 @ 8:32 am

  110. Our appologies, there will be no service this week as the leaders and congregation have gone to greenbelt. Be back next week.

    (guess how long that one took me!!! :p)

    Comment by James — August 28, 2008 @ 9:47 am

  111. Robb (98): Great to have your humour back on the blog :)

    Wossa “wasbo”? (100)

    Comment by janetp — August 28, 2008 @ 10:14 am

  112. That is what happens when an ASBO is mixed with an organic beer tent for a period of four hours :D

    Comment by Robb — August 28, 2008 @ 10:51 am

  113. …with no portaloo in sight to offer required relief… ;)

    Comment by Carole — August 28, 2008 @ 10:53 am

  114. #93 is brilliant!
    #102 also made me spit coffee.

    One that made local headlines a while ago now was a church notice that said:
    “Jesus
    loves
    you!”
    was defaced, so it read:
    “Jesus fucking
    loves
    you!”

    too true.

    Comment by andy amoss — August 28, 2008 @ 12:03 pm

  115. Church Notices:

    ‘Come inside and see how we regularly use the words, bloody, hell, too.’

    or

    ‘If you think the outside looks scary, wait until you come inside and see the pastor’s wife.’

    Comment by Tom — August 28, 2008 @ 10:26 pm

  116. Sunday Service 10:30
    Yoga 1:30
    AA 2:30
    NA 3:30
    Divorce Care 4:30
    Bingo – All Day (come one come all)

    Caption: If you can’t evangelize ‘em, get their money!

    Comment by Deacon — August 29, 2008 @ 4:54 pm

  117. JESUS IS COMING! LOOK BUSY!!

    Comment by LizLong — August 29, 2008 @ 5:23 pm

  118. “Attendance is required, by invitation only.”

    Comment by jen }i[ — August 29, 2008 @ 8:12 pm

  119. ‘Jesus said…
    But come inside and find out from Pastor Perfect what Jesus really meant.’

    ‘Cross? I’m bloody furious coz church posters only make sense to Christians.’

    Comment by JoeH — August 30, 2008 @ 12:03 am

  120. The following is from a church notice sheet, rather than a notice board, but it’s worth quoting anyway:

    “HYMN Stand up, stand up for Jesus
    (Congregation seated)”

    Comment by rebecca — September 3, 2008 @ 12:28 pm

  121. Next Sunday:

    Bring a signed blank cheque to church day!!

    Comment by Martin — May 23, 2009 @ 9:37 am


RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a comment

Blog at WordPress.com.