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thats so not funny …
There are certain things that people are not happy contemplating a woman doing.
Look at the Vanessa George case. People don’t want to believe that she was capable of doing it. Some evil man must have made her do it. Women aren’t capable of those things are they?
There are certain things that society isn’t able to cope with and so it reacts in any way it can. Sometimes to laugh and ridicule, sometimes to scapegoat, sometimes to deny.
Walking into bergen belsen made many realise just what ordinary human beings are capable of.
By BBC 6/6/2011
“The number of women convicted of domestic violence in England and Wales has more than doubled in the past five years, an investigation by BBC Radio 5 live Breakfast has found.”
Just looked at this topic at uni last term and it is defo not something to be laughed at. I hope that any man facing this type of abuse finds a way of talking to someone who won’t ridicule him.
When I studied Domestic Violence, I learned that one common tactic of abusers is to accuse their victims of being abusive. Often in abusive relationships both parties are at times physically violent, but only one experiences intimidation, fear, and a sense of being controlled. I’m so glad that abused men are more able to come forth than in years past, but the sad truth is that often when a man claims he is being abused, he is in fact the abuser, and accusing his partner of abuse is one more way to exert power over her. As a therapist, when a man says he is being abused by his female partner, I listen closely to the patterns of their relationship, especially for ways in which he devalues her humanity (for example, calling her a “sociopath”, criticizing her parenting, thinking she does nothing right). I listen for whether he is experiencing a feeling of confusion, common among victims, about whether they are being abused or whether they just need to change a little more and their partner will finally be happy. I wish it was simpler, and we could outright believe any man who says he is being abused, but often when we do, we are in fact assisting the abuser and not the victim. (A good book on the whole topic of abuse and intimate partner violence is _Why Does He Do That?_, by Lundy Bancroft).
ASBO has to be commended for this cartoon, it’s a subject that should be continually discussed around Christian circles, and in every circle where young people gather, all the time. young people should know details that will enable them to identify problems in relationships, and it’s only if we keep talking that this will happen.
I’m so impressed by the discussion on ASBO instantly looked at the complexity of domestic violence, and think it’s essential that we are awake to those little clues – why hasn’t a friend of yours ever got any money?, why’s it awkward if you phone at odd times?, is a friend quieter in the company of their partner?
and should you feel a friend is suffering, please don’t ever drop that friendship, continue phoning at odd times, and arranging outings where it’s ok not to have any cash
and come on guy’s lets just call a spade a spade, dominating, controlling and manipulating someone is not love. lets keep saying it, withholding money, shouting, threatening, sulking, leaving one partner to take all the trash out, expecting perfection – maybe ASBO could make a list – i do think communities have a big role to play in promoting warm, supportive relationships, by modelling, by talking about good and bad attitudes
abusive relationships are so confusing, often one act of violence is enough to keep the victim subservient, and both men and women tend to underplay what happened – “she didn’t mean it”, “he wouldn’t do it again”, and yet that one experience has changed everything forever
and yet sometimes both parties grow up together, and teach each other how to love
respect ASBO
“C. says: June 8, 2011 at 3:59 pm When I studied Domestic Violence, I learned that one common tactic of abusers is to accuse their victims of being abusive.”
Then that proves there are a hell of a lot of abusive women out there.
I come from a Christian home where domestic violence is considered a ‘normal’ part of a relationship. My mother is the physically violent one, and will punch or slap my dad. When I reported an incident of domestic violence which happened to a friend, she said, “Why did you do that? They live together, they share a house”. Apparently domestic violence isn’t a bad thing if the couple live together. I know who I WON’T be going to first if I find myself in that situation!
wow, alison! i find that scary. how on earth does your dad deal with it, or is it his ‘normality’ too? really feel for you.
It’s not f++cking funny, it’s bloody serious.
I feel just as much for men in this situation as I do for myself having been abused by a man.
When i had to do an assingment on a community services organisation last year, i looked at a domestic voilence agency. They said, “Men are not victime, they are perpetrators”. i felt like disagreeing with them, but it wasnt the appropriate time or place.
i hesitate to say this, as i think any kind of abuse and control is a very serious and destructive behaviour (- and one the church has often tiptoes around to the detriment of victims,) but, i do think, that occasionally, patterns develop in relationships that escalate violence.
- and in some situations, good communication skills can change this.
i’m a big fan of BCFT’s S.T.O.P. campaign (www.bcft.co.uk) – as a plan to improve any relationship, & Harville Hendrix. a signed up member of CoDA (www.coda-uk.org), sadly the bully and control freak rarely make use of these resources, having been able to manipulate and charm everyone into running around them. though there’s good stuff out there for anyone who genuinely would like to improve their relationship or recognises they’re hurting people they care about.
The whole wider society either laughes at the blokes….or says they are often actually the abuser…
Is it any wonder that most guys don’t feel very inclined to stand up and get help? Why should they believe the church will be any different? ( esp as they can see some other guys doing the same thing within church fellowships and no one appears to be stopping them….)
And for women, ten pounds for every time I have heard professional irritatedly say ‘ it’s no good she’ll go back’ and tut disapprovingly……or say ‘ there’ll be something in it for her’…
Is it any wonder lots of women don’t feel very inclined to stand up and get help? Why should they believe the church will be any different,( esp as there are some right numpties around who reckon the bible oks this treatement)
But for the guys….it’s rarer…. there are less of them…and it goes against what people choose to believe to be possible, probable or even true.
As a church….what is our response? Do we have anything to say on domestic violence?And if not, why not? Is it ever mentioned on our sermon slots? Maybe even once every five years would be a fine start. Maybe….well…… lets just not get me started….