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So true…it’s such a Christian phrase. Apart from it’s “well” not “we’ll”….sorry!
schoolboy error… working at speed.
sorted now thanks, sam.
omg, I love this! I always get stupid responses when in mourning…
Man I have been SOOO tempted to do this at funerals – all you can do is give me a hug. That’s it.
artemis… hope you’re not in mourning now.
i should go for it, becky.
Sadly, he still doesn’t get it, even after a poke in the eye.
WTF? Are you stupid or something?!
Sas
The permanently logical part of me does understand the difference between living on Earth in a clapped out body that needs 50 pills a day to keep going and having the ultimate healing and living in God’s kingdom (my theology is a bit ropey here!) but, oh, I’m *so* glad noone ever used those words to me on one of my bad days!
He should get another hit on the other eye. I mean NOW!
it amazes me how people can make comments that feel so judgmental when your feeling vulnerable, as though they see your pain and feel in a position to make a suggestion. sadly I do this sometimes though, as well.
Its perhaps partly because British folks are embarrassed about pain and emotion, awkward about death but still have that human desire to reach out and just say *something.* When my mum died the notes people wrote in the cards were mainly like this; every day the postman would come and I’d get madder and more upset as I read the cards. In the end they just went in the bin unopened as it was better not to know what might be in there.
In my experience the best things to receive where were people shared a great memory about her, some funny or great thing they’d done or said together or where they just straightforwardly said they were sorry and she would be missed. I guess if we were better able to accept death as a part of life then it might lessen the pressure people feel to ‘make it alright’ – it just can’t be made alright at that immediate time.
When I don’t know what to say, a simple ‘I’m sorry. I know you will miss her/him,’ is always in order. And if there’s something funny or pleasurable to share about the person, I seem to do that rather naturally. I’m pleased to hear that I’ve not gone wrong.
Looking at Kim’s observation about British folks brings to mind that here in US our culture has trouble with what to do with death.
Maybe if we’d see it as part of a life cycle and there being a normal, expected, life after death – like some of those superstitious savage cultures, and religious nuts, did/do – there would be fewer stupid things said.
Maybe.
It’s not just death – we can’t celebrate aging hence the anti-aging industry that pushes this myth that we are to remain 21 forever.
One of the comments that made me maddest after my dad died was that he must have finished that ministry that God had ordained him for, so that was why he had been taken. Effectively he had finished his earthly usefulness. I believe the phrase was ‘he served faithfully all his life, but his ministries had all come to end, God had finished with him.’ He was in his 60s, i was in my 20s. I had to fight every angry fibre in my being not to be very rude and yell out “Well i hadn’t finished with him!” It was meant kindly, but what a stupid thing to say.
I would have yelled that – sometimes the best thing you can do for a person is rock their boat hard enough for them to fall out and get wet.
Love that Forrest, it made me laugh!
I laughed hysterically at this comment and then felt like crying because it’s so true. We Christians love saying that everything happens for a reason, and in truth, that can come off as making a person’s grief, anger, or anxiety less important—almost unnecessary. And that simply isn’t the case.
I don’t think it is about being British, I think it is about being evangelical – which somehow translates into the need to put on ‘face’ rather than say what you really mean or feel. Funerals are a good example. We think that we’re actually supposed to be happy that someone has died ‘in the faith’ so we tend towards celebrations rather than grief. I don’t think the death of a close friend or relation is ever the time for celebrating or inane religious-sounding comments.
cheers Joe Turner, for your thoughtful comment. I do find myself longing for a return to a healthily understanding of community within the church, it sometimes feels we’ve tolerated destructive patterns of behaviour to the detriment of our members emotional lives
sometimes I reflect on the sheer misery I went through whilst trying to belong to a community orientated church, I had no idea how to challenge the constant power struggles, insults, commandeering of others resources and expectation of jovial subservience
luckily I have sources of Christian community these days where I feel nurtured and sustained, perhaps the contrast leaves my reflections on the past church experiences more shocking. However, I now appreciate that a community needs to work at learning how to be a healthy organisation, or it’s members will be harmed, so here’s to the main stream churches taking these concerns seriously, – though perhaps it will be the small, creative groups who will explore these things and model them for bigger organisations.