i’m afraid there’ll be no new asbo’s until the weekend as i shall be having a little break with friends for a few days.
so i thought i’d run a competition… no prizes, just kudos, bragging rights and the completed cartoon up on the blog.
all you have to do is post your caption or captions and i’ll select the one which i deem to be the funniest or most profound…
actually i’ll judge on what ever merits i see fit at the time! :-) you can use speech bubbles or a heading as i do sometimes
and don’t forget that little line at the bottom. basically say what you want!
please carry on conversation without me and i look forward to reading and responding when i get back. cheers for now!
ps… don’t make me look like a chump by not at least having a go at it. i know from previous posts you are all as funny as me… well, almost! :-)


About these ads

About jonbirch

animator, illustrator, character designer, graphic designer. music producer/recording musician. co-owner of PROOST.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.


  1. sarah says:

    Vicar: “Put some clothes on.”

    Punks: “Put some love on.”

    Have a lovely break Jon xxx

    Sas :-)

  2. Rick says:

    “Nice vestments.”

    “I cannot dress like that, so neither can you.”

    “This is no tattoo parlor, and no one gets pierced here.”

  3. sarah says:

    Huh, except maybe pierced with the love of Christ. No? Shame…

    Sas x

  4. jonbirch says:

    wow! that was quick! at least i won’t look too stupid when i get back! :-)

  5. sarah says:

    Jon, Could you un-italicise everything please?

    Unless you want it that way…bit hard on the eyes tho’…

    Sas x

  6. Laura says:

    “There’s coffee and donuts on the other side of the room. Why don’t you go grab some and come back over and join the rest of the group for the discussion.”

    Bottom: How it ought to be!

  7. Daniel says:

    In a conservative church: “Come back when you change your clothes and cut your hair”

    In a liberal church: “The food pantry is right around that corner, help yourselves”

    In a mega-church: “The punk rock service is held in our mini-auditorium down that hall there”

    In an emergent church: “Did you guys get a beer from the cooler and light a candle over there as you came in?”

  8. Andy says:

    Not what Jesus meant by “Show them the Way”.

  9. Jason says:

    “Father Roberts found it annoying that those who so easily found their way out of the closet still needed him to show them the exit.”

    I don’t think these two are supposed to be women, but this caption came to mind anyway.

  10. Laura says:

    OMG..according to Daniel, I think I may be a liberal! :shock:

  11. Lori says:

    I love 6 and 7 so far!
    I can’t think of anything better. :-)

  12. MMM says:

    The couple sings….”We came to Jesus as we were….”
    and the pointing finger says…”After a bath, a shave, and a change of clothes….”

  13. thevikingfru says:

    I vote for #6 & #7.

  14. After being photographed with “The pointing Vicar”, Anna and Heinrich caught a plane back to Germany.

  15. Pastor Astor says:

    Low thresholds, but also a very narrow door.

    This church is committed to be of the world but not in it.

    At the sight of bosoms the pastor gets an erection.

    Excuse me, we cannot allow actual people in here. This is a place for “Christians” such as you can see … Well, just take my word for it. You wouldn’t fit in, smiling and all.

    You cannot both smile and dress like that in here. Either you smile in clothes like me, or you keep your wardrobe and look sad like proper sinners on their way to hell!

  16. dawn says:

    we dont want people like you here.

    who does jesus want in church?

  17. steve says:

    George. Is that you?

  18. steve says:

    Sorry… The post-mclaren/westwood punk worship workshop has been postponed till next Thursday.

  19. Catriona says:

    Sorry, this one’s not funny,but it’s what came to mind.

    I have been reflecting on the beginning of John 8 in preparation for a sermon I have to do on Ash Wednesday, and thinking about dramatising the story from the woman’s perspective. Since the encounter occurs in /at the Temple then a church setting with a priest/teacher present fits the bill.

    My caption would be “whoever is without sin, let them cast the first stone”

    And leave it to the reader to decide who is saying that and who is doing the accusing… nice ambiguous cartoon, could be either way round.

    Have a great break. ‘See’ you soon.

  20. Mark Bennet says:

    Go and make disciples …

  21. steve says:

    Hey. I are you wearing my Chuck Taylor All-Stars?

  22. steve says:

    Quick, the archdeacon’s coming..

  23. steve says:

    Stop laughing… It’s my fancy dress service and I’ll wear what I like.

  24. steve says:

    And take your ventriloquists dummy with you..

  25. steve says:

    untie her now!

  26. youthworkerpete says:

    Vicar: I love you, Jesus loves you, but the congregation say no.

    How it often really is.

  27. steve says:

    Tell me about it. You want to try tuning up to a youth event in sandles and a cardigan.

  28. Will says:

    the blank expression on the vicar’s face said it all…..

  29. Matybigfro says:

    The vicar before he heard his new curate introduce himself

  30. Robb says:

    YWP, you are so right.

    If my experiences on Friday are anything to go by:

    Vicar – “uncommitted patronising pleasantries that show I’m not ignoring you”.

  31. steve says:

    Put that window back right now.

  32. steve says:

    ..and stop smiling, they will spot you a mile off.

  33. steve says:

    I would like to apologize for my excess of postings. This cartoon made me laugh. I will stop now. Promise.

  34. sarah says:

    Don’t Steve! You’re obviously on a roll! Keep ‘em coming!

    (We’ve got a week after all! ;-) )

    Sas x

  35. steve says:

    OK Sas, if you insist. Trying to think of one that reverses the roles… Church leadership is an east target.

    I have to say that my current church leader is one of the most gracious and wise men I have been privileged to be ministered by. We have no “punks” in our village but the real life issues are the same. And the ones that he chooses to face on a daily basis would break me. Proper church leadership is not for the faint hearted.

  36. Graeme says:

    Vicar: “Well we’ll put the banns up over there!”

    Incarnational Ministry starts making an impact

  37. Robb says:

    “we’ll pray for your tormented soul”

  38. Robb says:

    “we’ll pray for the gift of sight to be returned” ;)

  39. steve says:

    I like 37. Funny

  40. Robb says:

    In the style of Jim Carey in Liar Liar – coming out of the elevator…

    “it… was…. YOU!!”

  41. Robb says:

    Steve, funny and true. At my current church the curate asked me and ruth if we were there to hear our banns read out. I pointed out that we have been married for nearly ten years…

  42. steve says:

    we are a beautiful let down,
    painfully uncool,
    the church of the dropouts
    and losers and sinners and failures and the fools
    oh what a beautiful let down

  43. steve says:

    Robb. Funny. Is it a big church??

  44. steve says:

    Robb. My mum was approached by someone in church who said. “Joan, I have a message for you from the Lord.” My mum said “well if it is a message from him I am sure he would get my name right.” I’m Mary. (names changed to protect the innocent)

  45. steve says:

    Vicar: Go forth and multiply..

  46. David Keen says:

    Vicar: can I borrow that?

    Man on left: well that’s two of us ready for the ‘vicars and tarts’ party, what are you going to wear?

    Vicar: could you two please pray for my finger? It’s really hurting!

  47. marcus says:

    I knew it was a mistake letting you two watch Ugly Betty said the vicar to his sons!

  48. Robb says:

    It is a really nice church. I don’t think anyone in any church is particularly happy about having to speak to the new people. It is an easy guess that a young couple are there for banns. I think my questioning of the content of the sermon may have come as a shock.

    Anyway, back on topic…

    “When I worked at Disney they taught me to point with two fingers or an open hand as it is less rude.”

  49. Robb says:

    “Cake or death!!” :D

  50. Jaybrams says:

    vicar: “pull my finger”

    bottom line: what you least expect to hear

    (p.s. – i’ve had the privilage of going to several churches where we are accepting of all shapes and sizes of personalities, so while i know targetting traditional church leadership is easy/valid (comment 36) i just thought i’d throw some dad/bathroom humor in for good measure.)

  51. steve says:

    Cake or Death. Definitely the best so far!

  52. Robb says:

    Thank you for flying church of england airways ;)

  53. Will says:

    Jon and Clare’s new look didn’t go down too well at the latest Orthodox Barn Dance.

  54. Will says:

    JayBrams, Loving your comment #51

  55. steve says:

    Hey Will. Yeah, but Jon sure made up for it with his moves in the last dance….

  56. steve says:

    It’s alright for you, I have to wear this dumb dog collar…

  57. steve says:

    Punk: Ha! you missed”

  58. steve says:

    Feeling lucky, punk?

  59. Jeff Gill says:

    vicar: …and I command this young lady’s missing arm to regrow in the name of Jesus!

  60. Will says:

    Sadly steve i wasn’t there, but i have picked up on a couple of things here and there

  61. Will says:

    Caption: “@#*$ off”

  62. marcus says:

    Vicar: after what you’ve just been caught doing you can wipe that smirk off your face young lady!

    Cartoon caption: Love in the church a mis-interpretation!

  63. Hey I vote for #6 – great!!!

  64. 15 with the Germans is really great. Subtle, but telling. I also much like 51 – had me LOL, and 54 – strikes me as very Jon-typical. This is going to be a tough competition! I shall return if I think up something worthy…

  65. Steve Lancaster says:

    Caption: Release from bondage

  66. steve says:

    The Tottenham Court Rd Passion was beginning to take shape.

  67. Lewis says:

    Vicar: “Where’s your other arm?!? Judgement on your sins!!!!”

  68. AnneDroid says:

    OK. Time to own up. I am a minister, minister’s wife, minister’s daughter and minister’s niece.

    And many of us clergy are quite nice actually…

    So I’m definitely going with “57” which I think is BRILLIANT.

  69. DrNick says:

    Robb: Whats a Bann??????

    Laura (6) I had that idea too!
    Must be optimistic eh :-)

    Caption: Punk 1 – Hey Mr Vicar wheres your church?
    Vicar: Out there caring for the poor
    Punk 2: Whats he been smoking?

  70. Chris F says:

    Woman: “Oh I’m the new vicar and this is my husband”

    Bottom: the retired cleric wonders who on earth???

  71. Will says:

    love it Chris F

  72. Chris F says:

    If everyone keeps this up we’ll beat the record of 146 posts (#307)

  73. artbizness says:


  74. artbizness says:

    Vicar: Until I can put my hand in the hole in your t-shirt, I refuse to believe.

  75. artbizness says:

    Vicar: That lipstick doesn’t go with your haircolour.

  76. su says:

    the Leadership and Dynamic Ministry confrence is two doors back on your left, you must have missed the sign.

  77. Sarah says:


    Loving it!

    It would be good to beat the 146, and have a record on a much nicer topic! ;-)

    Sas x

  78. AnneDroid says:

    #62 shocking – v funny though. bad boy.
    #46 I like it
    #76 hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
    Still #57 though.

  79. AnneDroid says:

    Come away in. But first – there’s foil blankets in that cupboard over there. It never goes above freezing in here and the hierarchy won’t let us get new heating. That’s why I’ve got this suit on – it’s fur lined.

  80. dorsey says:

    I now pronounce you…

  81. Ha ha ha
    Just seen 46.
    Clever ;-)

  82. Dave Wiggins says:

    punks: ” hey man, what time does the group karaoke start? ”

    vicar: ” we use hymn books here, get out! ”

    caption: confused about worship?

  83. Brit Windel says:

    “mom! dad! i freakin hate you both for actually coming to the parents meeting…i just….i just wish you guys were like all the other parents”

  84. Chris F says:

    no bubble, just underneath:

    “Inasmuch as you did it to one of these least of my punks…”

  85. marcus says:

    Vicar: It’s people like you that will give this church a good name!

    Caption: A refreshing change!

  86. sarah says:

    AnneDroid #70 – I’m glad you are who you are! xxx

    DrNick #71 – banns are when the notice of a couple’s upcoming marriage is read out in church – to notify the general public. Robb, hope you don’t mind me stealing your thunder!

    Sas x

  87. sarah says:

    Robb #50 – Cake or Death! – Genius!

    I’ll have death please!

    Sas x

  88. sarah says:

    Chris #86 – like it x

    Sas x

    Marcus – Yes!

  89. youthworkerpete says:

    #85 – my favourite yet!

    Jon what have you started.

  90. sarah says:

    Hello YWP.

    Sas x

  91. Noncharon says:

    (Geez, what did they say to do in that “Emergent” seminar?) “Hey, dare you to pull my finger.”

  92. Mike says:

    The undercover Christian brings another one in…

    Caption ~ Hey, I said you’re not supposed to twist their arms.

  93. yesuvia says:


  94. kc says:

    #51…sometimes a little unexpected dad/bathroom humor does the trick. Perfect!

  95. steve says:

    Mum and Dad, you’re embarrassing me.

  96. steve says:

    Sorry. We don’t do Punk Worship, we are more into New Rave.

  97. steve says:

    Wait a minute. What is that behind your back. Is it a.. a.. Bible?

  98. steve says:

    I’ll be baaack.

  99. steve says:

    Vicar: look great! Now repeat after me “I am somebody”

  100. steve says:

    George and Mildred’s attempts to liven up the youth service started to look a little desperate..

  101. steve says:

    Are you picking your nose?

  102. steve says:

    They had been standing there for over 18 hours now. Pete was wondering if Jon was ever going to come back..

  103. steve says:

    Vicar. Well I guess if you don’t need me I’ll go start a church somewhere else.

  104. scot says:

    “the costumes look good but you’ll have to do something about your smile.” – commisioning the outreach team for this years Reading festival.

    #51 gets my vote but i’m almost ashamed to admit #62 made me laugh most :)

  105. youthworkerpete says:

    Vicar: What do you mean my exposision of Revelation 12 was barely adequate and you found the premise to be a hermeneutical diatribe? Get out!

  106. yesuvia says:

    You are not allowed to leave the service.

    Go back in now!

  107. yesuvia says:

    I told both of you already that the world would not accept the way you dress yourselves!
    Now go back in and get changed before you leave the church building!

  108. marcus says:

    Caption under the cartoon;

    The vicar was somewhat surprised to meet the new Bishop and his wife!

  109. les says:

    “By their fruits (not their suits)shall ye know them.”

  110. sarah says:

    AnneD: No 111 You should like that one!

    Sas x

  111. marcus says:

    Caption under the cartoon;

    The vicar was somewhat surprised to meet the new Bishop and her husband!

  112. marcus says:

    The vicar would not listen to the man’s complaint about low level candles burning the spikes of the top of his hair.

  113. marcus says:

    The vicar reprimanded his children for raiding his weekend wardrobe

  114. marcus says:

    Vicar: If one more person tells me it is an expression of their faith embodied in a sub-culture that needs redeeming from within I shall scream!

  115. marcus says:

    Vicar: You guys are just the people we want for our new musical extravaganza……”High Church Musical”

    best stop hogging the blog now…sorry :-0

  116. Carole says:

    Couple: In retrospect, Vicar, we think your interpretation of Mark 9:42-47 may have been a bit too literal.

    Vicar: Well if you don’t agree, there’s the door!

  117. sarah says:


    What’s that about then?

    Sas x

  118. Lori says:

    116… Hilarious! :-)

  119. Carole says:

    Sas: If your hand causes you to sin, etc. and the lack of visible eyes, arms and hands in the cartoon.

  120. sarah says:

    Carole – I think the vicar’s hand is next!

    Sas x

  121. Carole says:

    That’s bad news, Sas, he’s already one arm down from leading by example!

  122. Robb says:

    In the style of Basil Fawlty:

    “I’ll do the funny walk”

    @ Dr Nick – In the UK, part of marriage law is that you have to publish who is to be married. The church was the place where you got married so they would read out a list on the few Sundays leading up to it. It gives people an opportunity to object.
    Now, people who object to God being involved in their marriage can have a list pinned up in the registry office.
    The assumption is that any young couple who come in are only there to hear that they are getting married. That way you don’t have to befriend them or mention Jesus ;)
    @artbizness – “Vicar: Until I can put my hand in the hole in your t-shirt, I refuse to believe.”
    We don’t allow that kind of activity in the clergy!!
    @Sas – you stole my thunder but I’ve typed it up now ^^^^ already so you’re getting it anyway :P
    @Yesuvia – Finger of death from Talisman?
    @marcus – I nearly had my hair burned by an old guy during a candle lit carol service this year. He thought that the back of my chair was a good place to put it. That would make me exceptionally displeased!!

    Now if you could all stop posting so much – this is taking too long :D

  123. will says:

    Guys, i am keeping in touch with jon, and have told him that we are doing ok, even without his moderation. Lets keep it up.

  124. yesuvia says:

    Finger of Death from DoTA. :P

  125. Ryan says:

    1 Corinthians 4:10-13 “We are weak, but you are strong! You are honored, we are dishonored! To this very hour we go hungry and thirsty, we are in rags, we are brutally treated, we are homeless. We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. Up to this moment we have become punks, the refuse of the world.”

  126. steve says:

    Moses began to wish he hadn’t sent Aaron and Hur home….

  127. Laura says:

    Vicar: He’s right behind you.
    Punks: oh no he’s not
    Vicar and Congregation: oh yes he is!!!
    Punks: oh no he’s not!!!!
    Vicar and Congregation: OH YES HE IS!!!!
    Punks: OH, NO HE’S NOT…

    Bottom: Panto Church :lol:

  128. Jon Doe says:

    “Stand back, we’re losing symmetry”
    “How can anybody understand the meaning of this picture if you keep distracting them with this lack of symmetry”

    vicar.”take those high heels and wellies off and replace them with some brown triangles instead”

    vicar.”wipe those smiles off your faces- what next eyes?”

    vicar.”Release your prisoner at once”
    christian man “That’s my wife”
    (following one of the posts above)
    vicar replies “oh, so you’re here to have your banns read”
    christian wife “no, for a sermon, but you could still untie my hands”

  129. Émie says:

    Jesus 2008

    Vicar “bu…wha…you… but what are you doing with that skank?!”

    caption: and then he got the electric chari for being the King of the Jews.

    (if smoeone else could find a way of saying that better that’d be good. cos i know what i mean and what i want to say but it’s not coming out right… anyone else good with this sort of thing?)

  130. yesuvia says:

    Guy: I found this lady here dressing inappropriately to church service this morning.

    Vicar: Aren’t you the same?

  131. steve says:

    Vicar: Sorry, they closed us down a few weeks back [pause] But we are available for barn dances..

  132. Carole says:

    Vicar: I have a t-shirt just like that.

  133. Carole says:

    Vicar: Is that a scalene triangle on your t-shirt or are you just pleased to see me!

    (Scraping the bottom of the barrel now!)

  134. Carole says:

    Vicar: Come on! Come on! Do the locomotion with me!

    Bottom line: Action choruses: Just more cheesy worship.

  135. Scott says:

    Vicar: You are causing me to lust!
    Bottom line: Confessional blame.

  136. su says:

    - Yes, we are auditioning for extras for The Vicar of Dibley, did you leave your names at reception?

  137. Robb says:

    Devils finger….

  138. Vicar: “Oooh, oooh, oooh; I know who you are.”
    Caption: When Christ invites our former lives to church with us.

  139. Lori says:

    Antoine #141… I like that one!!!

  140. sarah says:

    126, Cheers Will!

    125, Robb what does ^^^^ mean? :-/

    Sas xxx

    128 Ryan, you bet your ass.

    Jon Doe 131 – Like it!

    Carole 136 – I’ll say! ;-)

    GUYS!!! We’re getting close to busting the sex ‘toon out of the water!! Let’s keep going!

    Sas x
    Emie 132, What’s a Chari?

  141. youthworkerpete says:

    I thnk Marcus’s 117 is my new favourite.

    Ohhh when the parodiers parody themseleves, is nothing sacred?

  142. Laura says:

    Yippeee, I get to post the “tying” post!

  143. Laura says:

    and the post that puts us ahead of the OLD record!! (it was 146 right?)

    Lucky me!! :-)

  144. su says:

    sex and drugs and rock and roll

  145. Em says:

    Good for you Laura!!!!!

    (on my housemate’s log-in!)

  146. Will says:

    after waiting almost a week for the vicar to say something our happy couple decided to leave

  147. Robb says:

    Sas, it’s an arrow pointing up.

  148. becky says:

    I keep hearing the vicar saying “Out, out damn spot!” (The side joke to that is that at least here in the United States, the Episcopal Church is overrun with gay clergy – we have our share of Lady MacBeth’s wearing clerical gear.)

  149. Graham Crawford says:

    A puppet ministry is OK but NOT a Punk and Jewry show

  150. Sara says:

    Okay, for a straight up caption, I still like 6 as well as anything else . . . 51, even though that sort of thing doesn’t usually make me laugh, just because it’s so out of left field–

    –but for a bit of post modern randomness, 150 made me laugh harder than anything else in the thread. :) Thanks, Will. Also honorable mentions to 57 and 60. :)

  151. Rickard says:

    “You are the pastors of this Church…”

  152. Graham Crawford says:

    I should maybe have qualified my suggestion by adding, does it not look to you that the male punk has his hand as if he is holding her up like a ventriloquist dummy.

  153. Émie says:

    sarah: it was meant to say ‘chair’ but i can’t type

  154. marcus says:

    The vicar explained to Sid that twisting young girls arms behind their back and marching them into church, whilst a novel idea, was not what he had meant by extreme evangelism!

  155. marcus says:

    Vicar: I charge you in Jesus’ name to go forth and bring back Jon Birch

  156. AnneDroid says:

    #159 Amen, Marcus!

  157. Zack says:

    “Where did you get those stockings? I HAVE GOT to get some of those for my wife!”

  158. sarah says:

    PLEASE CAN I ASK EVERYONE TO PRAY FOR THE PEOPLE IN KENYA. A friend of ours, Peter, who used to help our youth group, is there in Nairobi but all his family have had to leave their home which will be ransacked, and are in police protection. It is a big family and their lives are in danger. PLEASE PRAY. My friend and his family are from the Luo tribe which is a death sentence right now it’s one of the wrong tribes to be in. Please pray! Thanks,


  159. kick-hat-snare says:

    If you ping her bra strap, one, more, time…..


  160. sarah says:

    Marcus, I LOVE your sarcasm!


    Sas x

  161. kick-hat-snare says:

    Before it was a night club, there was an organ over there… where the bar is now.

    [Cinemas become churches become clubs become banks become homes become ……]


  162. thevikingfru says:

    Jon, PLEEEEASE COME BACK! We are in need of a new strip;-)

  163. D Rho says:

    Pastor: No son of mine will date a porn star!!!

    Son: How do you know she’s a porn star?

    Pastor: Uhhhhh…

  164. Laura says:

    I just want to go on record to say that I am having one amazingly good hair day!!

    btw- that’s not a caption for the cartoon. Just something I needed to share. LOL! :oops:

  165. marcus says:

    Couple: Excuse us vicar could you point us in the direction of the threshing floor?

  166. holy famoley says:

    Sarah @ 162: Will do Sarah. Could you also pray for my dear friends in Kenya, Phil, former vicar in these parts, his wife Sarah and their 5 children who are working in a school in the middle of the most troubled spots. Received a most distressing e-mail from them the other day. Safe for now but close to needing evacuation. Remember the African staff who are in most danger, living outside the school boundaries, particularly if they belong to the ‘wrong’ tribe (whatever that happens to be at the time).

  167. holy famoley says:

    I think we may well have exhausted this post. I’m going to start again from post no. 1. There is loads of really good early stuff that Jon got barely any comments on. Anyone fancy joining me?

  168. marcus says:

    Sarah, were you BEING sarcastic in 164? If you were thats ok because apathy is not that far behind sarcasm so give me a day or two and I probably won’t care either way! ;-)

  169. Ros says:

    “Despite wanting to befriend society’s outcasts, Reverend Black found he had the uncontrollable urge to raise his pointed finger.”

  170. 165 brilliant
    167 HILARIOUS!!!

  171. Sarah and Holey Famoley
    Will do to both :-(
    keep us updated

  172. Robb says:

    The Punks: “You seem to be missing an emoticon”

  173. su says:

    “touch your nose”, … never will I not be able to touch my nose

  174. su says:

    right now I’m just skin covered coffee

  175. Will says:

    As Tom and Jenny looked at the statue mime artist, they couldn’t help but wonder what the hell had happened to traditional church.

  176. Robb says:

    Musical statue shaped church

  177. Robb says:

    Oh no, I’ve become ‘Scraping the bottom of the barrel shaped church’.

  178. Will says:

    In the future: madam tussauds showed the horror of how the church finally died.

  179. yesuvia says:

    It is obvious that Claire and Jim missed seeing the true act of love from their church elders.

  180. Will says:

    Come on guys get the thinking caps on Jon should be back tomorrow and it would be great to get over 200 by then. On subject of course

  181. Carole says:

    Ok Will, since when did you instal yourself as the Asbo post police? (I would have stuck one of those little winking, smiley emoticon thingies there, if I knew how to do it!). So, further barrel scrapings it is, then:

    Vicar: So everything was going fine until Mrs Vicar put the can of Robin starch where I usually keep my anti-perspirant…

  182. Carole says:

    Vicar: Great to have you at St Asbo’s church. You’ll find the parish welcome pack on that table at the back. That should give you lots of information about various activities…

    Bottom line: How it is at plenty of churches…

  183. Carole says:

    Vicar: Welcome to St Asbo’s. Lovely to have you – just don’t sit in that pew over there, if you know what’s good for you – that’s Mr and Mrs Pratt’s pew…

    Bottom line: How it is at plenty of churches…

  184. Carole says:

    Vicar: I can only apologise. The electrics could do with a complete overhaul but with dwindling congregations we’re strapped for cash…at least you got a good hairdo out of it.

  185. Carole says:

    Vicar: I don’t care how ‘relevant’ you think your punk liturgy is, this congregation won’t buy it!

    Bottom line: Worship – one size doesn’t fit all.

  186. Carole says:

    Vicar: Yes, of course you can sign up for the church cleaning rota. There’s a list on the table at the back of church.

    Bottom line: A refreshing change!

  187. Carole says:

    Vicar: At St Asbo’s we pride ourselves on being a bit alternative. That’s why we have the altar at the back.

    Bottom line: Change for change’s sake.

  188. Steve says:

    Rev Jon forgets to strap on his wii remote again..

  189. Steve says:

    Are you chewing?

  190. Steve says:

    Vicar: I can see your lips moving.

  191. Steve says:

    Vicar: Quick.. more captions, he’ll be here soon..

  192. DrNick says:

    After watching too much Family Guy, the vicar decided to try the ‘Evil Monkey’ look…

    (Click on my name if you haven’t seen that episode!)

  193. Carole says:

    Vicar: Just wait until John Birch gets back – he’ll soon wipe that smile off your face!

    Bottom line: The joy of full editorial control.

  194. yesuvia says:

    Ahaha. I love 197.

  195. yesuvia says:

    When attempts to get the church leaders’ attention get out of hand…

  196. yesuvia says:

    Vicar: I told you we’d be able to come up with 200 posts yo!

  197. Steve Lancaster says:

    ‘Aha!’ thought Steve, ‘If that’s the reception the vicar gave the dudes in the punk outfits, wait till he sees me dressed as a post-box!’

  198. Steve Lancaster says:

    85 and 117 and there’s something about 179…

    Serious note: please do keep us up to date about your friends in Kenya, Sarah and Holey. Thank you for posting about them. I sometimes wonder how far away we really are in this country (UK) from stuff going belly-up here. Maybe not now but in the next 30 years. Let’s not just pray the prayers, let’s live the prayers.

  199. Nick says:

    #51 b/c there are enough “rage against the traditional church” captions already out there

  200. su says:

    can I share my oat-cake with you?

    (appologies for making an Iona club comment)

  201. sarah says:


    My friend Pete, his wife Julie and their boy James, are OK at the moment in Nairobi. But Peter’s family are in protective custody. PLEASE KEEP PRAYING. Thanks for the email Steve. Carole – thoughts go out to you…to them.

    Please pray.

    Sas x

  202. Lori says:

    Will keep praying, Sarah. Thanks for the update.

  203. sarah says:

    Laura – so glad about the hair :-) !!!

    Come back Jon.

    Please pray for my friends, and Carole’s (Holy Famoley).

    Sas x

  204. sarah says:

    Marcus 172, I am not sarcastic in my praise – your comments were cool!

    Sas xxx

  205. sarah says:

    Carole 185 – to do a winking emoticon, type semicolon then dash then bracket.

    For a full smile colon then dash then bracket. And so on.

    But how does Laura get her moving ones? Do tell L!

  206. sarah says:

    Carole LOVE 185!!!

    Sas x

    192 through 197 – OMGoodness SO Funny!

    Good job Jon’s NOT like that!

    Sas xxx

  207. su says:

    24 For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry.

    Luke 15:24 King James

  208. Laura says:

    Vicar: in order to learn how to do the moving emoticons, go pick up the sheet on the back table.

    Bottom: That’s so Will won’t yell at me for being off topic. ;-)

    : oops : = :oops:
    : lol : = :lol:
    : cry : = :cry:
    : razz : = :razz:
    : shock : = :shock:

    There shouldn’t be any spaces between the words and colons.

  209. Mark Bennet says:

    The vicar discovered that the cut he sustained from his vegetable rack had a serious effect on his welcome ministry.

    Feb 1st 2008)

  210. marcus says:

    Vicar: you two are standing in the light, move back into the shadows like the rest of us.

    Caption underneath: Finding our comfort zone

  211. The Vicar points out that there is only room for one puppet in this church.

  212. gilly says:

    “If you’re the new Area Dean, who’s he?”

  213. kate says:

    bottom: Madamme Tussauds 2050 commemorative ‘Church of England’ display.

  214. Carole says:

    Punk bloke: Er, Vicar, who do you think you are? Benny Hinn? I think you can come a bit closer, I’m here to catch her anyway…

    Bottom line: Misplaced faith marginally larger than a mustard seed.

    OK, that’s the caption done, now to other business…Thanks for praying for my friend Sarah and her family. There may be a chance of her returning to the UK soon. If you are interested in more detail, I have temporarily posted her emails on my parish server. emails.pdf

    Can I be selfish and ask continued prayers for my own family – our mum’s funeral is on Tuesday at midday.

    Luv ya lots!
    Carole xx (alias Holy Famoley, to clear up any confusion)

  215. Carole says:

    Vicar: Yes, I was thinking a nice mural on that back wall would brighten things up. But can I suggest you put some trousers on before climbing any ladders?

    Bottom line: What would happen if we applied Changing Rooms dress standards in real life.

    Oops! This should work better:

    Better not make any more mistakes -I don’t know how long I can go on generating silly captions!

  216. Carole says:

    Vicar: I really look forward to having you on board for the liturgical dance choreography. This is what I’ve come up with so far…

    Bottom Line: We each have our own gifts…sometimes we just get it wrong.

    Sas: continuing to pray for your friends in Kenya.

    Mark @ 213: :Love that one. Dave Walker is great, he has a really off-beat way of looking at things. In fact he’s my second favourite cartoonist in all of Christendom (creep, creep!)

  217. Carole says:

    Vicar: It’s alright for you two! With your flowing manes and generous use of hair ‘product’, nobody stuck their fingers up your nose and attempted to use your head as a bowling ball!

    The youth group become a little exhuberant in the absence of ‘responsible’ adult leaders.

  218. will says:

    ok now i feel a little guilty. Wasn’t meant to sound harsh – just thought it would be nice for Jon to come home and know that we really put effort in. Stop shouting at me ;)

    In other news:

    No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t make the thunderbolt come from his fingers.

  219. Robb says:

    Bottom Line: Mind the Gap

    Or am I thinking too deep?

  220. Steve says:

    “Why this car is automatic, It’s systematic, It’s hydromatic….

  221. Robb says:

    @Steve – LOL!!

  222. Liam says:

    Vicar: Pull my finger!
    Caption: Another inappropriate attempt at relevance

  223. Robb says:

    Oh no! Ofvicar!!

    Erm – on a serious note, we have ofsted next week. Just been given notice. :shock:

  224. jhieaxon moch says:

    Vicar : Please proceed over to take the paperbags and cover your head with it before joining our service.

  225. youthworkerpete says:

    #222 – very funny!

  226. will says:

    Thanks YWP

  227. Robb says:

    “I’m a little teapot short and…”

  228. Paul says:

    You are anointed by God to be our youth leaders!

  229. will says:

    Hey it’s you, Welcome back, Give me a hug

  230. Lori says:

    Ahh, #222 Will, another funny one.
    There is some real comical talent around here.

  231. jhieaxon moch says:

    Vicar : That’s sooooooo outdated

  232. marcus says:

    Vicar: Are you wearing Manolo Blahnik’s?

  233. sarah says:


    Here is some bits from a letter from my friend Pete in Kenya. :cry:

    Tying to pray.

    Sas x

    “Thank you for the prayers and the support you have given us. Just this
    morning a another MP was shot and killed in Eldoret one of the places where the violence has been very bad. That brings it to two MPs shot dead in two days and they are both in the opposition. This has taken place in Eldoret where people who went to take refuge in Church were
    burnt to death, so it is almost expected that this could make things degenerate even further in the next coming days.

    Because of the killing of the MP in Eldoret, my family today opted to move again from Koibatek, now to our village in Siaya. They were in a group of Luos moving from the Rift Valley to Western Kenya which is Ancestral home for the Luos. I am keeping in touch with them every day and as often as I can. I tell you it has been very had for me because I feel so helpless.

    I am hoping to fly to Kisumu some time next week so that I can go and
    see them. Traveling from Kisumu to Siaya by road is safe because it’s the Luo area but from Nairobi to Nakuru is a death trap for anyone who is not Kikuyu because they live in this region.

    Can you imagine that even our church in Nakuru was a target and they have had to move PA and locked the church and the compound abandoned! They have had to close the school Indefinitely. This coming Sunday will be the first since my father died that the church will remain closed on Sunday, this really makes me sad.

    The House we rent here in Nairobi belongs to a Kikuyu and they have asked us to move by end of February, so we are hoping to plead with them to let us stay till things calm down because they own most of the houses and they are not renting out to Luos, so getting another house now could prove to be very difficult. This thing is more complicated because it has gone tribal.

    Pray that the Lord will change the hearts of all Kenyans to seek peace and shun tribalism, I don’t know how God will do it but we really need Him to act now, so please keep praying for us.

    Once again thank you,

    Bro, Peter.

    Please pray bros and sisters. Thank you

    Sas :cry:

  234. sarah says:

    Will 222 – not to worry mate, we appreciated being guided at least *around* the topic!!!

    Sas x

  235. sarah says:

    Hi Gilly! (216)

    Carole – see me at Post No 1.

    Sas x

    Kate – cutting, I like it!

    Marcus – you’re just *there*, man!

    Carole, it’s not selfish and I will pray – be thinking of you xx

    Robb 223 – You should be deep, man, you’re an RE teacher! Good luck with the Ofsted, honey.

    Hey jhieaxon moch-good to hear you again ;-)

    Paul 234 – that’s only because they look the part. Bloody awful isn’t it.

    Sas x

  236. will says:

    sas, esther and i are praying

  237. sarah says:

    Thanks Mate XXX

    Sas x

  238. Happy says:

    not that voting was an option, but my personal faves:

    I’m with Will (29) – subtitle: “the vicar found himself speechless”

    or wait… “this was not a take on “Go ye therefore into all the world…” that the vicar had anticipated…”

    I like (37) too tho… and (51) and (87)…. and (102)….hahahahahahahaha…. wow…

    Sas and Carole – praying like mad – for all things mentioned.

    Jon, WHEN are you coming home?! :)


  239. Laura says:

    I think the punk guy is using the punk gal to shield himself from the vicar guy.

    Don’t know that I blame him frankly…. ;-)

  240. Martin says:

    2) The vicar could not quite get to grips with revamping Lord Kitchener poster as: ‘Your Church needs You’.

    3)But dad, she’s the new curate at St…

  241. Martin says:

    Sorry I omitted 1)

    … and now we have Carmine and Denton modeling Whipples youth pastor range …

  242. Carole says:

    Martin @ 246: Er, I did do a revamped Lord Kitchener poster in December, advertising for cleaners!

    Sas & Happy: Thanks friends.

    Robb: Good luck with dreaded OFSTED. Will leave a proper message at your blog.

  243. Steve says:

    Vicar: but you ARE the church..

  244. Steve says:

    punk: gottle of geer.

  245. Steve says:

    vicar: careful….your heads falling off.

  246. zefi says:

    Vicar: Do both of you wanted me to resign THAT badly…???

    Guy: Of course. Without you, it’ll be so much easier for us to bring in the worldly stuff.

  247. zefi says:

    Vicar: For the last time, I will not trade Her for her!!!

  248. MMM says:

    ACK!!! God, save us from your followers!

  249. sarah says:

    Zefi 253…intriguing!

    I like Marcus’ withering sarcasm.

    I like Steve’s accuracy.

    I like Carole’s churchy-church self-deprecation.. ;-)


    Sas x

  250. sarah says:

    Hey there Koala.

    Sas x

  251. AnneDroid says:

    Well, if you want to teach in the Sunday School, you’ll need to learn the Hokey Kokey. You put your right hand in…

  252. thevikingfru says:

    Vicar: Just tell me where you’ve put Jon, and no one will get hurt!

    Caption: Asbo readers desparate for the return of Jon…

  253. Happy says:

    AnneDroid – is it the Hokey Kokey in Europe? it’s Pokey in the States… sadness, the man who wrote it died this year; I forget where I heard that…

    I’ve just had a horrible thought… what if Jon CAN’T choose?! and we’ll never know what he meant because we were all so brilliant in his absence….

    seriously – you all ROCK. I love your hearts for Christ and his kingdom and for seeing the church be all that she can be… :)


    p.s. Carole, Sas – any word?

  254. Steve says:

    Happy. – Thats a joke right? The guy who wrote the Hokey Pokey (Cokey) dies this year? They put his left leg in the coffin and then trouble started…

  255. Steve says:

    The “Strictly Come to Church” evening was becoming a little too serious.

  256. Steve says:

    or… Kevin and Sally’s aisle routine came under a withering attack from the “Strictly Come to Church” judges.

  257. Steve says:

    or….You call that a Paso Doble?

  258. marcus says:

    Vicar:Heeeeey Macarena….AAAhAA!

    Punk: Sorry we don’t have the gift of interpretation!?

  259. Carole says:

    Happy: No news yet – I will keep you posted.

    Do you mean to say the Hokey Kokey/Pokey was actually written by someone? I always assumed it was just something that occurred naturally, like trapped wind or athlete’s foot!

    Marcus (265) nice one!

  260. Tom C says:

    love #249

  261. sarah says:

    259 TVF: He’s back! Hurrah!

    260 Hap, thanks for the encouragement.

    My Friend: one of his family died, was killed – I think a cousin. :cry:

    Please pray.

    Peter safe thank God.

    Praying tonight and getting some heavy duty war-prayer from certain individuals.

    The tribalism needs to end.

    When will people stop being afraid of each other?

    Sas x

  262. jonbirch says:

    will pray of course, sas.

  263. Robb says:

    Thanks guys. So far I haven’t let it get in the way of my life. Tomorrow it probably will though :/

  264. Ezra says:

    But vicar…………. Wasn’t it you who said

    Cast your nets on your inner thighs and I will make you a fisher of men…?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s