here’s a competition to keep you on your toes.

all you need to do is write a notice for the board.

funny or meaningful or both… up to you!

more cartoons next week. :-)

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About jonbirch

animator, illustrator, character designer, graphic designer. music producer/recording musician. co-owner of PROOST. proost.co.uk
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121 Responses to A COMPETITION (AGAIN)

  1. andym says:

    church notices:
    – when you’re new (or just visiting)
    – when you’re not doing great, and need someone to talk to
    – when you feel life is good, and need to celebrate
    – when you have the world on your shoulders, and need friends along side
    – when you’re lonely, and just need friends

    (or at least, we try to)

  2. sammydaviesjr says:

    Church Notices:
    “Everything that’s different about you compared to them and swiftly tries to ‘heal’ you of it.”

  3. janetp says:

    Church Notices ….nothing … ??!

    “If you are looking for the vicar, deacons, or church secretary they’ve been taken up in the Rapture” :)

  4. Razzler says:

    Church Notices:

    “As soon as the volume on the speakers has been turned up too loud and then we will of course immediately turn it back down to a respectable level so that we don’t offend any of the old ladies.”

  5. Lewis says:

    “Now featuring bazoomba-shaped doors. We’re totally relevant! See?”

  6. Christian says:

    ‘Lost Yahweh?’

  7. Rick says:

    It’s just as cold and imposing on the inside as it looks on the outside.

  8. wezlo says:

    No trespassing.

  9. Melissa says:

    Caution: Portal to a new world ahead

  10. David says:

    due to
    lack of interest

  11. Thomas says:

    “This church has reduced its carbon footprint by 50% by holding services in the dark at twilight.”

  12. Job says:

    “Do not disturb. Inbreed activity!”

  13. Laura says:

    “Don’t let worry kill you, let the church help.”

    “Bible Study on Thursday morning at 10. All are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is finished.”

    “Bean supper on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.”

    “Sermon topic for the evening service tonight :”What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.”

    Tithing: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”

    I nicked a few of these but thought I’d share.

  14. Pete Rehn says:

    So, we tried to be as one and shared everything we owned and even sold our property to give money to those in need in this congregation. We all gave “honest” accounts of what we sacrificed for the church. Then Peter came by and we all got to know what it really means to be “slain in The spirit…”
    Best wishes: St. Peter

  15. Justin Anthony Knapp says:

    I don’t actually have anything constructive to add, but check out this church sign battle: http://img.ircimages.com/ircimages/5/9/59192cabe89cbe25f91c8cf8bfb77b82.jpg

  16. Christine says:

    Stay tuned for Easter Sunday, when we will re-post the old “The Sun and Son have risen!” for the fortieth damn time.

  17. Forrest says:

    “Seeking higher ground? Find it here!”
    at Church with flooded river halfway up windows.

  18. Forrest says:

    This spelling mistake deliberate for that double-take effect?
    “Do angles exist?
    Can the finding right angle get you in to heaven?”

  19. Anna says:

    Church notices,


    Church notices:
    Do you know Jesus? If so, please direct him here.

  20. subo says:

    “Have you been ‘Board Again?'”

  21. Linus says:

    This week we will be having vast numbers of ineffectual meetings which will make us feel good about ourselves and insulate us from the outside world. Feel free to join us provided you are an exact demographic match with us. Tea and Coffee afterwards.


  22. Church Closed This Sunday for Quiche Baking Competition.

  23. Or (inspired by Linus)

    World Record Holders for most Digestive Biscuits consumed in 1 year.

  24. The End Is Near! (Film at 11.)

  25. becky says:

    Jesus appeared to use all.
    Church closed while we clean the carpet.

  26. The notices are now available for those without access to an internet connection at http://www.churchnotices.co.uk/offline.html

  27. Dave says:

    If it could fit on this sign, do you think we’d have a building?

  28. Dave says:

    The only place that is most effective when it isn’t inhabited.

  29. subo says:

    ineffectual meetings which will make us feel good about ourselves – i love the accuracy

  30. subo says:

    untrained pastorally minded busybodies on the rampage, warns wounded ex-member

  31. Dan W says:

    B.O.G. O.F.

    Heaven Tickets

  32. subo says:

    shamed local politician stands down, hadn’t realised the Church Notices

    next week ‘Miss Evangelical’ competition

  33. AnneDroid says:

    Some great ones already and I’m too tired to think any up.

    But I just want to leap briefly onto one of my hobby horses and say that I hate seeing ancient out of date church notices outside a church building. I also get annoyed with King James version Bible texts on display ready to mystify Joe Public.

    And, slightly but not totally off topic, in many of our churches here, the notices time in the service itself was traditionally called the intimations but I like to call it the intimidations to see if anyone “notices”.

    My husband (our pastor) has started asking the kids at some point during the service if they have any news to share. Me and all other mums just cringe, wondering what our cherubs are going to reveal into the microphone.

  34. tim bower says:

    “Last one out turn off the light”

  35. DAK says:


    [ I actually saw this on a Presbyterian Church after a region wide power outage in 1998. My pastor (at that time) said to me, “Well, they did the right thing.” Typical Pentecostal attitude, huh? ]

  36. “Closed until further notice – Apostolic Alignment out of order”

  37. youthworkerpete says:

    Church Notices:
    By breaking all stereotypes known to ASBO, we’re actually quite nice in here. Look, a smiley to prove it :)

  38. shelly says:

    Church Notices


  39. Josh says:

    “Please welcome our new female pastor and her husband, who will be leading our women’s ministry”

  40. Joe says:

    Come as you are.

    (that is, as long as you are not homosexual, a democrat, modern, postmodern, freethinking, follow the crowd, a drunk, a prostitute, a musician, someone who has a sense of humor, someone who has no sense of humor, too fat, too skinny, too good looking, hard to look at, too honest, a liar, or good at chess.)

    and we wonder why churches aren’t growing…

  41. Calvin says:

    Now Hiring Untainted Clergy
    Apply Within

  42. Church Notices:

    But then gets distracted by the good looking girl walking past.

  43. abmo says:

    Notice : If you notice this notice, you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.

  44. Miriworm says:

    Some I like are :-

    Q: What’s missing from CH__CH
    A: UR

    Give all your troubles to God.
    He’ll be up all night anyway!

    Prevent tooth decay. Brush up on your bible!

    The Ultimate F Word. Forgiveness!

    Am I bovered! I tell you do not worry. Matthew 6:24 (for UK readers)

    Forget Big Brother, speak to our

    Souler powered by the son!

    God see’s us as we can be but loves us as we are.

    Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case!

  45. Robb says:

    Resistance is futile.

  46. andy amoss says:

    We’ll win in the end!
    You’ll see.
    Then you’ll be sorry!
    We’re right, damn you!
    We’re riiighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhtttt!!!!!

  47. andy amoss says:

    We’ve got great knockers.

  48. bluesoul says:

    Welcome to church !
    Now do as you’re told.

  49. Tyler Dawn says:

    Church notices…

    the mourning, the meek and the poor

    but has to cater to the biggest tithers instead.

    Our Apologies
    The Management

  50. Doug says:


  51. csalzman says:

    Building closed. Go out and love someone.


    Building Closed. Go do a better job than it did.

  52. James says:

    Closed. Gone fishing.

  53. Ben says:

    Hiring: Charismatic Preacher. This role to be based in a busy soulsaving department reporting directly to company Director. As this role is centered in a not-too-busy working environment the ideal candidate does not need to be flexible or work well under pressure. Legalistic pharisees may send their resume. Duties to include payroll for 1 staff, preaching for empty pews, cleaning the church grounds and visiting currently fysically disabled, lonely churchmembers . Email cv and cover note to hope@lesschurch.com

  54. sarah says:

    48 Andy – funny!


    52-54 all good.

  55. Mark Bennet says:

    Gone fishing.

  56. Chris F says:

    This space is intentionally left blank

  57. Chris F says:

    “Stop reading this notice – GET A LIFE!!

    (have a look in here – you may well find it inside)”

    – trying to be more positive!

  58. subo says:

    ‘Leave everything God’s given you to care about, and come and spend all your free time in meetings, ministry and services.’

  59. JF says:

    Surely Linus (21) wins hands down.

  60. gilly says:

    It’s open, come on in

  61. KathyJ says:

    Temporarily Closed…Lost the keys

  62. dan says:

    how about:
    ‘for all of you who’ve been judged, condemned and hurt by the church: we’re sorry’

  63. James says:

    Welcome to the club.

  64. ben says:

    If you were here, you’d be saved by now!*

    * terms and conditions apply

  65. Ros says:

    “If you’re looking for God, he doesn’t live here.”

  66. Robb says:

    “Sorry, we’re all at greenbelt. We’ll send the notices to your blackberry.”

  67. robert says:

    but sorbets (some hope with this weather)

  68. Jeff Moulton says:

    Been rejected by one of Christ’s followers? Enter here to speak with management.

  69. henry says:

    jesus is coming, look busy

  70. paulthinkingoutloud says:

    Members Only

  71. Join our Church-Lite service featuring only six commandments and a 4 percent tithe!

  72. DrNick says:

    “Sanctuary for the broken, the wounded, the poor, the weak, the confused, the hurting, the fallen and all those who mess up. If your perfect (unless your Jesus) get lost…and because we are all the above we get it wrong sometimes, sorry…”

    Thats a bit long winded, but think its what a Church should say (through a sign or through the way things are done)

  73. DrNick says:

    sorry those two ‘your’ should read ‘you’re’

  74. subo says:

    “Sanctuary for the broken”, love it DrNick,

    also love the thought that drab church buildings and stuffy books still have the power to connect us to the Kingdom of God! no one can keep us from celebrating

  75. AnneDroid says:

    Yes Dr Nick @75, that’s just lovely.

  76. Pastor M says:

    Jesus has left the building

  77. DrNick says:

    Thanks Annedroid and Subo.

    A little off topic but I thought everyone might be interested in this:


  78. zefi says:

    Building project for Housechurch #21.

  79. zefi says:

    For the last time, please DO NOT come in your Sunday best; this is not one of your business meetings!

  80. Angela says:

    Welcome, come in please.

  81. robb says:

    “Welcome to the round headed type people church. The triangle feet people are not welcome here. Aesthetically pleasing and well designed people go to the church down the road. Well animated flies are welcome.”

    Calvin – loving the donatist church!

    Paul wilkinson – church lite was really done in the program “priest idol”. Barsley hasn’t been the same since…. Some of them go to church now :lol:

  82. jaybrams says:

    most are decent, but … #48 is the only one that made me chuckle out loud… dang sexual inuendos!

  83. Seb says:

    Vicar away on holidays. Due to internal power struggles we are closed until he returns and can tell us what to do.

  84. imogen says:

    i stole this one,
    ‘Staying in bed, Shouting ‘OH GOD!’ doesn’t constitute going to church’


    ‘There are some questions that can’t be answered by google’

    ‘Salvation guaranteed – or your sins cheerfully refunded!’

    ‘Don’t make me come down there! – love, God’

    ‘We give more Halo effect than Halo 3′

  85. Carole says:

    Following last week’s talk by guest speaker Pete Rollins, the vicar has refused to take on a leadership role. There will be no service this Sunday.

  86. Caroline Too says:

    Good copy writer required inside…

  87. robb says:

    :lol: @ carole!

  88. dennis says:

    No Women, Children or dog’s allowed.

  89. janetp says:

    Some great comments :).

    Big smiley faces to Useibert (60); Zefi (82); Robb @ 84 for the ASBO-specific notice; Imogen (87) for the one she nicked (I can relate to that one!); Caroline Too (89) and Dennis (91).

    For sheer topical brilliance, though, my vote goes to Carole @ 88, with apologies to anyone who a) doesn’t know who Pete Rollins is, b) doesn’t know what Pete Rollins does or c) wasn’t at Greenbelt this weekend, which would have explained a) AND b). Nice one, Carole! :lol:

  90. Kim says:

    There’s a church I know that always has interesting notices

    This week it was

    “If you are looking for a sign from God, THIS may be it!”

  91. Mark Bennet says:


    people passing by this notice board

  92. Will says:

    Why don’t you switch off your computer and do something worthwhile! ;)

  93. Your Brother says:

    Notice left over from Last Week: “Come early next Sunday as St Judith will be unveiling a new pair of knockers”

  94. Christian says:

    Stop, drop and roll doesn’t work in Hell.

  95. Robb says:

    Stop drop and roll probably doesn’t work in the UK either…

  96. Robb says:

    “enter here for a wasbo!!”

  97. dan says:

    A church down the road from me had this one once:


    Now read it again’

  98. Blair says:

    Carpark is for members only.
    Trespassers will be baptised.

  99. rebecca says:

    Trespassers will be disposed of reverently.

  100. rebecca says:

    I admit the previous notice is not universally understandable – it’s taken from the Methodist communion service. Here is a less partisan one: Trespassers will be recycled.

  101. Steve Lancaster says:

    Ah, now does anyone else fantasise about sticking inappropriate messages up on real empty notice boards, or is it just me?

  102. Steve Lancaster says:

    Graffitied on:
    CTCH – we’re missing: RU?


  103. Jonathan says:

    Windows couldn’t verify the digital signature of this church. A recent hardware or software change may have installed a file that threatens the system.

  104. Steve Lancaster says:

    A more positive one (?):

    Wideangle shot of icecream stand next door – huge crowds of happy people with cones – notice beside stand says ‘ICES NOT CHURCH’. Tagline is ‘CHURCH NOTICES’ with letters struck out to read —-CH -O-ICES…’

  105. Steve Lancaster says:

    Me, I like church really! ;)

  106. James says:

    Our appologies, there will be no service this week as the leaders and congregation have gone to greenbelt. Be back next week.

    (guess how long that one took me!!! :p)

  107. janetp says:

    Robb (98): Great to have your humour back on the blog :)

    Wossa “wasbo”? (100)

  108. Robb says:

    That is what happens when an ASBO is mixed with an organic beer tent for a period of four hours :D

  109. Carole says:

    …with no portaloo in sight to offer required relief… ;)

  110. andy amoss says:

    #93 is brilliant!
    #102 also made me spit coffee.

    One that made local headlines a while ago now was a church notice that said:
    was defaced, so it read:
    “Jesus fucking

    too true.

  111. Tom says:

    Church Notices:

    ‘Come inside and see how we regularly use the words, bloody, hell, too.’


    ‘If you think the outside looks scary, wait until you come inside and see the pastor’s wife.’

  112. Deacon says:

    Sunday Service 10:30
    Yoga 1:30
    AA 2:30
    NA 3:30
    Divorce Care 4:30
    Bingo – All Day (come one come all)

    Caption: If you can’t evangelize ‘em, get their money!

  113. LizLong says:


  114. jen }i[ says:

    “Attendance is required, by invitation only.”

  115. JoeH says:

    ‘Jesus said…
    But come inside and find out from Pastor Perfect what Jesus really meant.’

    ‘Cross? I’m bloody furious coz church posters only make sense to Christians.’

  116. rebecca says:

    The following is from a church notice sheet, rather than a notice board, but it’s worth quoting anyway:

    “HYMN Stand up, stand up for Jesus
    (Congregation seated)”

  117. Martin says:

    Next Sunday:

    Bring a signed blank cheque to church day!!

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